Chilled

I think it is safe to say that the Northeast has received a substantial dose of winter weather this year – snow, sleet, slush, subzero temperatures.  Business and schools closed.  Neighbors unabashedly stripped vulnerable supermarket shelves in anticipation for the worst.  Gas prices went up.  General moods went down.  Icy roads.  Potholes.  Road salt shortages.  Lost electricity.  Lost heat.  Lost hope. 

I turn off the radio and television when unfavorable weather is forecasted.  I do not respond well to the stress of frantic traffic reports and lethargic play-by-plays by exhausted news anchors: “Well, Jim, it looks like it is, in fact, snowing.  Yes, same as thirty minutes ago.  Yup, still snowing.  Hold on a moment, I think it’s…yes, still snowing.”  I prefer to ride the wave in real time.  See what all this talk is about from my own perspective. 

I went to work on the worst days - and stayed the whole day.  I kept business as usual.  I saw no need to succumb to the media hype.  A bit of patience and calm was enough to get me through it.

    

Wintery conditions consistently trigger a blooming collage of memories from my time in St. Petersburg, Russia.  Once dormant episodes gradually resurface in crystal-clear focus.  You know, there is a rhythm, a kind of understood ritual, to getting through the winter there.  And it is this consistency and predictability that eases what could be an otherwise harsh physical experience.

Dressing appropriately is essential – any loving babushka will tell you that: Boots on, scarf on, coat on, hat on, gloves on.  No chance for the tricky cold to burrow toward your flesh that way.  For my own personal morning commute, once bundled, I would fling my heavy bag over my shoulder and embark upon the common-man’s journey - two flights of stairs down to the front door of the apartment, half-mile walk to the train station, two-minute run down the escalator, 3-5 minute wait for the train, body slam into a jam-packed train car, short ride to the next station, sprint to the nearest escalator, second wait, second – more confident – body slam into a train car, second longer ride, power walk to the enormous crowd pooled at the foot of the escalators, crowd surf to the front of the sea of people, five- minute ride to the top of the stairs, short jog out the front door of the station and a mile and a half march to school.  Rinse.  Repeat.

I find it difficult to make excuses in the winter after having this experience.  Anyone can get through it with the right attitude.  Respecting this season for what it is - a period of hibernation - helps greatly.  With so few natural distractions drawing away our attention and physical icy barriers rendering us virtually immobile, we are forced to sit and reflect.  We are forced to spend time with our families, friends and loved ones.  We are forced to inhabit the home spaces we have created.  We cannot run.  We have to face ourselves and our choices.  Of course, escape is not impossible.  You are just at the mercy of the elements if you choose to try. 

   

Meditating on ourselves and our personal lives is no easy task.  The incredible, palpable level of anxiety reached by those around me served as perfect evidence of this this year.  Luckily, a few sunny days have started to cure the wide-spread epidemic of winter paranoia.  But please, if the weather turns again before spring, try to respond to the last gasps of winter with the cool, measured confidence they deserve.  Perhaps the season will treat you better as a result.

Dr. Sparkle

"He's Just My Frozen Pizza"

There's a saying that sex is like pizza: "When it's good, it's really good, and when it's bad, it's still pretty good."  I have a feeling that is stated by guys more than girls, but I always thought the quote was funny.  After all, pizza can come in all kinds of forms with different toppings.  You can have your choice of Chicago deep dish or New York style.  Vegans can enjoy tomato pies and carnivores can cover their pizza with any kind of meat you can think of.  Guys also come in various forms. Unfortunately, you can't choose the traits of a guy as easily as you can choose toppings on a pizza. But you can compare some of them with pizza.  At least that's what I'm going to do.

Frozen Pizza 

The best thing about this pizza is convenience.  Once you get it from the grocery store, it just hangs out in your freezer.  You don't have to worry about leaving your house or even putting on pants to see a delivery guy.  It's fairly reliable; it's nothing special or spectacular but it can (usually) get the job done and fulfill your pizza  craving for the time being.  I repeat, nothing special, so don't overdo it, otherwise you're just going to get annoyed.

The Pizza You Always Wanted to Try...But It Disappointed 

I always wanted to try macaroni and cheese pizza.  I love macaroni and cheese.  I love pizza. Obviously the two together would be heaven in your mouth, right?  Yeah no.  At least for me, no.

Imagine you have always wanted to try a kind of pizza and you waited soooo long to finally get a slice, or even a pie for that matter.  You open the box and there it is staring at you, just as longingly as you're looking at it.  It's just as beautiful as you imagined, maybe even better.  Your hand slowly moves towards that slice, and you gently pick it up and place it delicately in your mouth (or quickly, up to you, but it could be hot.)  You take the first bite, and let your taste buds take it all in...and it's gross.  This is so gross that you're not only repulsed by this pizza, but all pizza.  You don't want to be around pizza at all.  You can't even look at a slice of a simple slice of cheese.  You wonder if this is normal and if you're ever going to recover.  After all, what kind of weirdo does not like pizza?  But it's ok, you'll get over it.

The Pizza You Only Ate Because Someone Offered 

I'm not one to sprinkle peppers on to my pizza.  I feel like the peppers offset the taste of the cheese and as a fan of cheese, I don't appreciate that.  However once I tried a slice with peppers and you know what?  It wasn't so bad.  I even tried it a few more times but then I got bored.  

The pizza you only tried because someone offered you a slice.  You weren't really into it but it didn't look bad and you didn't want to say no, so you went for it.  They offered another slice and you took it, and it grew on you.  It's not your ideal pizza but what draws you to it is the fact that it's unexpectedly different.  But after a while, it's not the same anymore.  Something changed, maybe it was the sauce, the amount of cheese in the stuffed crust part or maybe it stayed in the oven for a minute longer than it used to and that must have changed everything.  You want to try giving it another chance but no dice.  Whatever it is, it's a little disappointing but you just skim over the menu again to find something else that's appetizing.

The Pizza That Makes You Feel Gross But That You Keep Going Back For 

I love artichoke pizza.  But for me it's so rich that I kind of feel sick afterwards.  But I still love it. 

Think of eating a super greasy slice of pizza.  It's so greasy that the oil is sliding down your forearm and collecting at your elbow.  The sight is unsightly but the taste is so good.  You take in the moment and chow down on that slice and grab a handful of napkins while you're at it.  However when you're done the satisfaction only lasts so long before you feel gross and bloated.  But maybe it was just that one time, it's not like you'll feel like that again after eating such an amazing pizza.  Wrong.  You feel a little regretful each time but that doesn't stop you from going back from more.  Maybe there was heroin in that pizza.


Like I said earlier, both pizzas and guys come in different shapes and sizes. It's usually fun and interesting to try a new type of pizza and see where that first bite takes you.  Sometimes you might fall in love after a few bites or you might want to puke.  Most of the time, it's not spectacular, it's just a decent pizza you'll keep eating until you want to try something new.  And I think that is important to remember any time there's a guy that annoys you, frustrates you or even breaks your heart.  It's ok if a pizza (like macaroni and cheese) didn't work out for you, just keep eating more pizzas and enjoy yourself.  And eventually you'll find one you're happy with.  You can turn to that pizza when you have a bad day or to celebrate when something awesome happens.  It will be reliable but more delicious than a frozen pizza.  You can keep turning to it without worrying about getting sick.  You won't get bored or annoyed by any changes.  It won't ruin your appreciation or love for pizzas.  It will be your ideal pizza, so don't stop eating. 

Timmi Swift

It’s About More Than Conversation Hearts and Pink Vibrators: How to Love with Dignity This Valentine’s Day

I have a confession to make.  I’m kinda neutral about Valentine’s Day this year.  I feel like for the past two weeks my feed has been showing nothing but pictures of twee girls giving date ideas and love advice or people ranting about reasons they want to snatch the wig off of Valentine’s Day.  Don’t get me wrong, I see both sides.  It is a sexist, heteronormative, bullshit ass excuse to make money off of insecurity (ok, I feel this opinion more strongly).  But on the other hand, I can see the principle of a day to celebrate love if it is done well.  But why the stress?

Now that I have opted out of the crazy, one thing that I have noticed is that everyone is wound tight about this.  When I was at my angstiest (ah, adolescence) I thought this time of year sucks only for single people, but, now that I have experienced both scenarios, I can confidently say that there is pain to be experienced by all.  For those who are super nostalgic and snort glitter, there is this air of anticipation of receiving the right gesture of love.  It can’t just be a pile of artisan bacon that you share together, but something you can post somewhere to show the world that you are loved.  And for those who are single, it can feel like you are on trial when you have to explain to folks why you are spending your day with a friend rather than trying to find a last minute date.  Either way, both groups end up blaming each other for their own stress, and I’m left drowning in a sea of pink taffeta and broken conversation hearts.

But enough is enough!  Love should not and cannot be confined to one day.  If you can only scrape up enough love for your partner to spoil them one day out of the year, maybe it’s time to move on. And for Christ sake, being single tomorrow won’t kill you.  It will be same as it was yesterday. Dating is way better in the summer any ways.  At the end of the day, all the stress is about loving someone else’s opinion more than you love your own.  It is not even really about your loved ones. And isn’t that what the day is about any ways?  So tomorrow, instead of buying into the Pink Crusade spend it showing love in the way you want.  Volunteer at the place you keep meaning to donate to. Call your family.  Take that friend shopping that has always been there holding back your hair as you vomit.  Hell, take your damn self shopping.  Whatever you decide, love is for you this year.  Plus, real talk, only the couples I know who are together because they cannot do any better are the only ones acting like tomorrow is the second coming.  Think about it, you will see the same thing.

How will you love tomorrow?  Me, imma be shaking my ass with Big Freedia, The Queen Diva.

XOXO Lady Justice

Can I Still Shop at Forever 21? Struggling with “Dressing Your Age” and Entering Your Mid-Twenties with Dignity

Once upon a time, I really did not give a shit about what I wore. Sure, I put a lot of thought into it but I never really thought about its appropriateness. After I started attending (insert elite east coast women’s college) I shed a lot of my high school angst and started to be a little more experimental, but in that awkward I-don’t-know-if-I-am-cool-enough-to-shop-here sort of way. But then, I suddenly started really loving my body and dressing it well and shit got real, folks! I am fly as fuck, if I do say so myself. But sadly, as my 24^th birthday approaches, I feel like I am at a crossroad. Do I have to start wearing mom jeans now?

I mean, 24 is hardly old, but I feel the pressure beginning to mount to dress like a “real” adult. Over the past year, at least once a week, my mother has gently reminded me to grow up. One of her favorite ways that I reach maturity is in the way I dress. Sure I could probably stop buying clothes that are disposable (but really, some evenings require a dress you can forget about, like the shame of the night before) but does that mean I should look like Ann Taylor threw up in my closet? Why is there a time limit any way? Also, it would be different if I actually dressed like a child. It’s not like I am showing up to work with my onesie and my latte. I just have a strong love of flannel and leggings. Is it so much to ask that I am comfy most of the time?

It especially sucks that the age people want you to wear pants is a very similar age to when you realize that living for you is such a sweeter existence. What’s the point of all that teenage suffering and puberty if you can’t reap the benefits for at least a few years? IT’S A CONSPIRACY!!!! OK, not really, but I do think it has historical roots. Here’s my theory. Humans are visual creatures and as such display to future mates using adornments. Sadly, we as a culture have equated our clothing choices with perceived sexual willingness .What that meant for our foremothers is that when they were married (in their tender early twenties for many) it meant they were expected to put away the goodies. Why dress like you’re looking when you’re satisfied with your husband and the mailman? So, two things are happening here to make the modern women feel more inclined to loosen up her buttons. One, if you buy into the idiotic idea that people dress for the opposite sex, women are getting married later so they need to bare skin at an older age than before. And two, for those who do not buy into an ideal that supports rape culture and the notion that women dress only to attract men, you remembered you did not give a shit and put on the romper. Sadly, this is creating a cross generational misunderstanding that could be fixed if we only listened to each other.

So, I have decided to continue on my path of fabulous. I still have a few good years of my ass hanging out my romper and I shall let my freedom flag fly as long as damn well please!  I will continue to walk with my sisters in arms in this battle for acceptance and self determination. So if you see a sassy, natural haired women in Chicago, proudly rocking whatever the hell she wants, throw up a fist in solidarity. It is probably me, sticking it to the man, for America.

So, what will you wear in rebellion?

Lady Justice 

Why New Year’s Resolutions are for Chumps: How to Enter the New Year with Dignity

Well guys, it’s officially 2014.  We have come to that lovely part of January where it is becoming tacky to greet people with a “Happy New Year” and when you begin to regret your New Year’s resolutions.  It is at this point that the gym begins to lose its shiny allure and you wonder why you would ever contemplate quitting whatever stress relieving habit you have.  If you are not at this point, good for you, but for me I always start to wonder why we make resolutions in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong, I think they have had their place in the past, but it’s starting to feel like it’s now the first part of our annual cycle of self hate.  What was once a time of self reflection has now become a marketing tool fueled by our own insecurities.  Just think about, first you have New Year Resolution season.  You start getting all of these email about products that you have to buy to be the “best you.”  Then after you are bombarded with sports bras and juicers all winter, it’s suddenly swim suit season.  Once again, you are reminded about how you are somehow inadequate.  If it is not your size, it’s the amount of hair on you, and if you just so happen to be fur free, then I am sure you have not updated your hair color for summer.  When you have finally waxed the living hell out of your bits and highlighted your hair to a mere specter of its former glory, it’s suddenly holiday season and time to pull out the cocktail dress.  I can go on, but there is a clear pattern that generally leaves me broke, disheartened and sweaty.  But this year, I plan on breaking the cycle.  I refuse to create a list of self defeating goals, so this year I created these five guidelines for my sanity.  If you feel the same as I do, go ahead and adopt a few of these...

1. Remember why you do what you do

This does not just apply to your professional pursuits.  I think it’s very easy to begin to try to appeal to the whims of our critics.  Whether it is demanding bosses, internet trolls or frenemies, there are always little flies in our ears telling us that we are not good enough.  And even the strongest person will eventually listen to them.  But fuck them.  You do what you do for you.  Accept any useful criticism, but never let it change the principles that guide your passions.  Let your haters be your motivators, boo.

2.  Awesome stuff from the year before should not be forgotten to make room for the new

This is something I am always guilty of.  Sometimes when you get into self improvement mode, we lose some stuff along the way.  Even though some years are tough, there is always something that is worth carrying over to the future.  Moving on does not mean forgetting where you came from or the people and things you care about along the way.

3.  Be aware of the line between self-improvement and self denial

The best way I can describe this is with an example.  I am a snarky person.  It’s just who am.  One summer I remember I had decided that the key to happiness was to only say “good” things.  It did not work out.  In my attempt to spew cotton candy, I ended up chocking on it.  Instead of saying one or two harmless one-liners, I held them in and they festered into something more negative.  So in short, you can go about some “self-improvement,” but do it with a personal twist.  Want to get fit but yoga is too yuppy?  Try something else!  Just make sure you are present in whatever you do.

4.  If you make goals, make sure to create tangible end points

Though lofty goals such as world peace are great to think about, they are not so awesome to live by.  Trying to chase a goal that never ends could mean that you never feel content with all of the greatness you achieve.  Sometimes, it is nice to have bench marks to not only keep progressing but also things to have things to celebrate along the way.  So, instead of beating yourself up for not writing the next great novel in a year, decide to write a chapter a week and see where that takes you.  Who knows, you might end up coming up with something better than you expected.

5.  Don’t forget to have fun!

This might be the easiest to do.  Make sure to make room for fun in your year.  Go to a show.  Explore different types of cheeses.  Write an analysis of all the Spice Girls’ greatest hits. Whatever it is that does it for you, make sure you do it and do it often.  What’s a year of self discovery and growth without the enjoyment?!

But that is it for my list for 2014. So, what will you do this year?

Yours Truly,

Lady Justice